why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Life is so much better after having sex.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
