Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
