dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
