just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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