he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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