I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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