Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
