you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
