i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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