I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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