found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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