Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
