last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
