Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
