Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
