Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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