omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
