Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
