Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
