there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
