its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
