She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
