Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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