Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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