omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
