Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
