I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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