i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
