after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
