I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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