So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
