I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
