there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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