having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
