This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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