Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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