just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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