Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
