What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
