so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
