My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
