I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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