Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
