For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
