Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize