she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
