I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
