We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
