ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize