i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
