I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
