Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
