This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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