Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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