I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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