census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
