When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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