Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
